Sad Ramblings Not About Books

Two sad things have occurred recently, and I want to write about them.  

I had to make a really difficult decision, and, while I do regret making it, I know it was a necessary decision. It was simply time to let go.

I had my cat euthanized. He was fifteen years old, and the best cat I've ever had. Cat lovers joke about how cats are assholes and act superior to humans ... Not Sirius Black. He was a sweet boy, so cuddly and loving. He always wanted to sleep curled against me or on top of me. I'd wake up throughout the night to find him sleeping on my chest staring at me. Unlike my two hairless cats, he never climbed on counters, never sat on the Keurig, never hissed at me when I put him in a pet taxi.

Sirius, choosing to sit/sleep on the baby gate at our old apartment.

He was always cuddling with us in bed. 

If I had a book, he was there, ready to snuggle with me.

This was last summer when we moved into our new house. He was enjoying the sunshine coming in the windows on my side of the bed. Only about 3 months later, he started leaking poop everywhere. Took him to the vet several times, and he spent months shut in a bathroom. We couldn't avoid it anymore, his time was up. :( 

I've had him so long, it was really hard to say goodbye. At the vet, they lead us into a side room with it's own exit, let us say goodbye. Then they took him away and brought him back drugged up so we could say our final goodbye ... 

I don't think that should be a thing. Before they drugged him, he was standing on that table, face planted into my arm as I pet him, purring up a storm. When they brought him back, he was so doped up, his head flopped back as I held him in my arms. His mouth was open, he didn't have any control to close it. I held him for about a minute like that, then had to hand him to James. They hadn't euthanized him yet, but he was already gone. That last few minutes with him will haunt me forever, seeing him all drugged up, not moving, hardly there ...

I'm done. I can't talk about it anymore, I'm already crying too much.

Oh, look, more sadness to write about.

The other sad thing that happened was my sister moved away. They started building hundreds of new homes over by her, and with traffic issues being what they are on highway 2 ... I understand wanting to move. But all the way to the other side of the state?!

I love all my siblings equally, but Diana is my favorite. Maybe I shouldn't have favorites, but with my three older siblings being a bit older than us, and our other sister the way she is ... me and Diana grew up close. 

See, my parents had three kids then, five years after my brother was born, had three more. While five years isn't much of a gap, it was with us. When I was nine, the family split apart. My 17 year old sister got married and had her first baby, and the rest of us (excluding my dad, they were divorced) started a three day drive from Washington to Arkansas so mom could be with he boyfriend. Not long into the drive, my 16 year old sister changed her mind. She went to live with friends and family. Less than a year later, me and my younger sister Erin were living with dad back in Seattle. Off and on my brother lived with us. Then, when I was eleven or twelve, my dad had custody of us three younger girls and we lived close to my mom and her new husband in Arkansas. None of my three older siblings were there during our teen years, so they never could really connect with us and how our lives were. 

Diana is four years younger than me, and the sister in the middle of us only a year and a half younger than me. She ... love her to pieces ... but she was difficult. She was always starting fights and going off the deep end over everything. Not sure what that's about, but we've always suggested mom seek help for her, and she never did. Now that I'm older, I see she's a lot like my dad.

Diana and I spent most of our lives with everyone telling us, "Include her in your games. Play with her." And when we tried, she'd start some drama with us, and we'd give up again. How about instead of forcing us to include her, someone get her the help she actually needs?

So, we were close. Diana moved in with dad, me, and Erin when she was in first grade. I was the oldest sister in the house. It was my job to take care of my sisters. As we grew up, Erin was around less and less, always at a friend's house. It was always the Laura and Diana show. At one point, dad moved into a camper in the yard, and we each had our own bedroom ... but that didn't matter. Pretty much we shared one room anyway. That's how we were.

Then, in high school, she moved away. I think she was sixteen. She moved back to Washington to live with our aunt. She escaped. She got away. My aunt's family isn't perfect, but compared to ours ... Diana was now in one of those happy family type homes. You know, the ones you see on TV? The parents are married, the kids go to prom, the mother helps with picking out the dress, everyone poses for pictures, the pictures go on the walls ...

We were lucky if we could scrape together money for a yearbook, and nobody gave a shit about my prom.

That sort of thing. Faaaaaar from where we came from. And I'm happy for her, she turned out amazing. But after she moved in with our aunt, it felt for a while that our closeness was over, we'd grown apart.

But we didn't. Once I made it back to Washington, it was like we'd never been apart.   Our lives have been busy over the past six years I've been here, but we saw each other when we could. These past 7 months were the best. Every Tuesday was Diana Day, as I called it. Me, mom, and Erin head over to spend the day with her and her two girls. Of course, they left around nap time, but I always stayed until the evening.

Well, Now Diana, her husband, and their two girls moved away. I can still go visit, but four and a half hours of driving is waaaay more complicated than an eight minute drive. I hate it, and I'm going to miss them like crazy!!!

Dani and her big sister Zoey. Two of the best nieces ever!

Last Halloween. Diana laughing at Zoey getting scared over this Halloween animated decoration. I'm laughing remembering this moment. Also laughing thinking about when we took Zoey to Spirit Halloween ... The second we walked in the front doors, Zoey noped the fuck out. She refused to be put down through the whole store. Maybe it's mean to laugh, but I think it's hilarious. Maybe you just have to know us and know Zoey to see the humor here.

Such an old picture, and I'm sure they would all kill me if they knew I was posting it here ... This picture is so old. Yes, I'm that huge child with the leg shorter than the other one who is SOOO much taller than Erin, though I'm only a year and a half older than her. I'm about five or six and I look ten. Diana is being held by Carrie, the second child, Brian the only boy, and Miranda the oldest on the far right.